Appeasement, trauma, and what dogs quietly teach us about safety

In my work with people and dogs, I keep noticing the same quiet pattern.

Apologising before speaking.
Minimising needs.
Trying to be easy, agreeable, unproblematic.
Staying quiet to keep the peace.

And sometimes — when this is reflected back gently — apologising again for being noticed.

This isn’t a confidence issue.
And it isn’t “just anxiety.”

It’s a nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do in order to survive.

This piece is influenced by reflections from Lauren Auer (Your Trauma Therapist) and the trauma framework described by Pete Walker, particularly the often-overlooked appeasement (fawn) response.

Once you understand it, you start seeing it everywhere — including in dogs.

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Appeasement as survival

Most people are familiar with fight, flight, and freeze.

But there’s another response that develops when:

• fighting back isn’t safe
• escape isn’t possible
• freezing doesn’t prevent harm

The nervous system finds another option: appease.

Appeasement isn’t about being nice.
It’s about staying connected in order to stay alive.

In humans, this often develops in environments where relationships were unpredictable or emotionally unsafe — where safety depended on being helpful, compliant, or invisible.

In dogs, the same pattern appears when communication is missed, overridden, or punished, and when compliance is rewarded more than expression.

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How this shows up in everyday life

Appeasement doesn’t always look distressed.

Often, it looks like:

• being “low maintenance”
• saying yes automatically
• struggling to name preferences
• laughing things off
• taking responsibility for other people’s emotions

I see this frequently with dog guardians, especially when someone says,
“I know we shouldn’t let them, but…”
(they sleep on the bed, the sofa, they get table scraps, they eat human food).

There’s no need to apologise.

Over time, attention shifts outward. You become very good at reading others — and very disconnected from yourself.

This isn’t a personality trait.
It’s a learned survival pattern.

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How this shows up in dogs

Dogs communicate appeasement through their bodies.

You might notice:

• rapid lip licking
• lowered posture
• rolling onto their back quickly
• freezing during handling
• “tolerating” procedures
• sudden changes after long periods of compliance

These dogs are often described as easy or good.

But silence doesn’t equal comfort.

A dog who never growls isn’t necessarily calm.
A dog who complies isn’t always consenting.

Appeasement in dogs is often mistaken for good training, when it’s actually a stress response shaped by learning and environment. This is often when we hear:
“They’ve never bitten before.”

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The nervous system cost

Relational trauma — in people and in animals — changes how the nervous system processes safety.

Chronic unpredictability leads to:

• heightened threat detection
• rapid emotional responses
• reduced access to reflective choice

Appeasement works in the short term. It reduces risk and maintains connection.

But what protects early on can become constraining later.

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Why “just set boundaries” misses the point

From the outside, appeasement can look like a choice.

From the inside, it rarely feels that way.

When a nervous system has learned that disagreement or self-expression leads to danger, being told to “just speak up” ignores the physiology involved.

The same applies to dogs.

Tolerance is not comfort.
Compliance is not consent.

Change doesn’t start with rules.
It starts with safety.

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Healing happens in relationship

Healing from appeasement isn’t about becoming cold or confrontational.

It’s about rebuilding the capacity to stay connected to yourself and to others.

For people, that might mean:

• noticing when yes comes from fear
• allowing small preferences
• tolerating mild disappointment

For dogs, it means:

• honouring communication
• offering choice
• slowing down
• valuing emotional safety over obedience

Appeasement developed in relationship — and it heals there too.

Not through perfection.
Not through force.
But through repeated experiences of safety.

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A gentle reminder

Appeasement kept you safe once.
It deserves compassion, not shame.

But safety doesn’t have to come from self-erasure forever.

Your needs aren’t inconveniences.
Your dog’s communication isn’t misbehaviour.
Authenticity isn’t a threat.

Slowly, gently, new patterns can form — where connection comes from presence rather than performance, and where neither you nor your dog has to apologise for taking up space.

If this resonated, you don’t have to hold it alone.

Inside my membership spaces, we explore nervous-system safety, behaviour as communication, and compassionate ways to support both humans and dogs — without pressure, perfection, or shame.

You’re welcome to join at whatever pace feels safe for you.